Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
