You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
