I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
