You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
