dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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