mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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