dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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