The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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