I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
