She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Randomize