wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm bleeding and have questions
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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