i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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