I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i love accidental penises.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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