Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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