I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
