Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
