I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
