She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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