Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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