I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
