While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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