I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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