hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
