Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
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