I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
