Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
