i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
