He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
