she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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