she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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