If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
