I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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