if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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