Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize