I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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