nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
