I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
They are going to name an STD after you.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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