Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Less talking, more tequila
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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