i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
