I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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