Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
