Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
