Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
