just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
