dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
