Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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