Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
