I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
