Im at strip club and am horny
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
