Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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