I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
