i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
