He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
