Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
