Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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