last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
