sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
